can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
