nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
