Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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