My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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