TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
