matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
