just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
