I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
