I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
