my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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