ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
