yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And then my night got REAL pukey
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
