I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
