Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
