I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
