Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
