If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
