david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
