It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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