I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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