Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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