Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
