I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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