when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
