I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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