Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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