just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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