So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
