i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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