sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
