Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
that's an acceptable place to lick
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
