your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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