The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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