saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
