My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
