i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
