um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
