Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
