I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
