We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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