I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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