really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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