I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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