Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
