Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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