I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He passed out mid-signature
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
