Your face is a jimmy john
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
