the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
