recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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