i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
