I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
