I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
