You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
