checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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