what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
